The Pirate Poet Laureate Speaks

I met a pirate writer on the sea
Who seemed quite frolicsome to me.
She claimed she knew the quickest way
To keep your Muse from running away.
“How so?” I asked, quick to know.
My muse was always much on the go.
She whispered, “Tis going to sound trite—
But you have to sit and write.”

Good thing I wasn’t paying money for this advice.
I thought I should go while I could still be nice.
“Thank you,” I said, as I walked away.
I needed to find my Muse while it was still day.
A year passed, or maybe ten more.
My Muse despondent, writing a chore.
“I know I could write this if writing were fun.”
Why scribble when it’s crap that I should shun?

While in port, I passed a cheerful bookseller,
Who had books stacked from attic to cellar.
And the picture on the back to my chagrin,
Was that same pirate writer with a shit-eating grin!
She hadn’t just wrote one book I could see—
But scores upon scores while I’d been at sea.
“But how?” I whispered as I bought one about Jack.
“How does she write these without becoming a hack?”

“Perfection,” the seller said with a quite knowing smile,
“Is completely overrated and on its way out of style.
In yoga, you learn perfection is what you can do today.
So sit and write it all down what it is you have to say.”
He held up a hand before I could argue—was he mad?
Didn’t see I was writing already with everything I had?
“You can’t fix what isn’t written—though many a writer has tried.
But doing so leaves you revising the same sentence 'til you die.”

“But…” I said, and he shook his head.
“I have no interest in excuses, no matter how bad.
We’ve all the same troubles, the same number of hours.
Writing a book was in her, and in your considerable powers.
“You write it or you don’t, it’s simple to plot—
You either tinkle or get off the pot.”
He’s right, I thought, as I read the name of the pirate in skirts—
Lord almighty, I’d ignored advice from the Nora Roberts.

Faking it... An art form of acquiring perfection.

"Life is like a dirty pirate ship, you never know who your mates are gonna be."

There is a lot to be said for a supportive cast.

Especially when they are a seductive group like aboard the Romance Writer’s Revenge. And in honor of the sultry wenches on board, I’m going to take the time out to talk about a subject that’s near and dear to a lusty wench’s heart.

Faking it.

Now, I know you’re groaning and thinking where the hell is she going to take this. But I assure you there matey, this topic holds no bounds.

There are things to be said for faking it. If you fake it, you don’t have much to worry about if you do it right. Faking it absolves you of a guilty pleasure you might have gotten from it. Faking it allows you to think of the gardener, the hottie half your age that winked at you, next week’s episode of Moonlight *clearing throat*. And faking it can be done at any time of the day, no matter the circumstances. But faking-it just isn’t laying there and taking it. Faking-it is an art form that requires perfection. It’s a well honed skill that, if mastered, can serve you well for the rest of your life in all facets.

But be aware, there is this little place in the deep dark corner of your heart that just gets a kick out of ruining all the fun faking-it can bring you. There are sometimes that faking it isn’t your best option. When you’re so into it, that faking it isn’t even considered. When the only thing in your mind is you and him and the moment. Special times in your life when faking it is very inappropriate- like when the face god graces you with his presence.

Writing sex is the same way.

I’m not going to write today about those truly inspired moments. We all have them. Those moments are worthy of a blog, but not like this. Instead, I’m going to talk about those dark moments in your life when sex is the furthest thing from your mind. The times when faking it is the only option you’ve got to save the relationship of your WIP and the stunted writer in you.

You can NOT know sex and write a good sex scene. Faking a sex scene can be some of the hottest sex ever caught on page. If you allow yourself free thought flow, allow no-holds-barred-anything-goes, then you quite possibly will write something you never thought sexually possible. For a lot of us, plain Jane sex is the norm. It’s something we grew up knowing, it’s something that’s easy for us to get into the groove with. It allows us to be comfortable. And we all LOVE to be comfortable. But when faking-it, you should go for it. Always. Push past that comfortable zone. There is no room for sweatpants in the faking-it territory.

When I write sex, I like to push boundaries. I like to write things I don’t know if I could ever possibly do or would even want to contemplate. The wilder the scene for me, the better I feel about faking-it. Anger, spontaneity, that first taste of ecstasy as you know you’re doing something forbidden. I love it all. And I love the scene that follows directly after when the pair (or group, if you will), realize what just transpired and try to backtrack. But there is no going back from passion like that. But there are times that forcing it is my only option. When my words feel stunted, the scene feels cold, the characters not working together or bouncing off each other. It’s those times when you realize writing a sex scene can feel horribly awkward and there will be times that you pull up the word processor and you’re trying to put those words to fruition but it just isn’t happen. You just aren’t feeling it. These are those times that you need a back-up plan. Your faking-it-plan (FIP).

There is only one phrase that I remember when I resort to my FIP.

“If you’re gonna fake-it, you better bring it.”

This means if you’re going to fake the whole sex scene you better dump all the emotion you can muster up and pull out all the stops. The FIP requires concentration and to write everything you can find at the moment in your little writing brain (it can always be smoothed out and edited later on. The goal is to get something on paper that is half way workable.)

It has to be one of those scenes that literally burns up the monitor, shuts down your word processor, makes you and your momma fan yourselves when you re-read it. (And I know what you’re thinking, “Your momma!? You let your momma read that?” Well, yeah, my mother is a woman. And I’m a writer. If I’m ever going to get out of the rut of being embarrassed, you have to let go. Who better to teach you this than your mother? Your mother has seen you through every embarrassing moment of your life… but this is another blog at another time.)

And PS- Nothing embarrasses me. Just ask Hellion. My mother gets embarrassed at my ability to never be embarrassed.

Faking it requires a certain pizzazz that you wouldn’t normally bring to the table. You have to be spot on perfect; your performance depends on your execution. One false move and the reader is going to laugh you off and shut the book. And they won’t pick you back up. The goal is to be realistic while pushing your limit. Never written a sex scene in a shower? To employ the FIP you have to be willing to take a risk. Writing is always a risk, but be willing to go out on that extra limb for a sex scene you’re stumped with. Give that FIP flava.

In the same respect, there is a fine line to tread when faking it. You get too showy, get too porn-like (ie: “Give it to me daddy! Oh Yeah! Right there!”) I assure you, if your character is screeching that at the top of their lungs and you’re writing a contemporary romance where your character is a little shy and self-conscience, you’re NOT doing the FIP scene justice. Even worse if you’re writing a historical. I’m not saying that doesn’t ever happen. I’m saying it’s not likely and your reader is going to feel the same way. Remember your target audience and your characters when making your FIP. Stay within your realm. If your character is willing to take risks, take that chance with the FIP. Be willing to take a chance for yourself. This goes hand and hand with the risk factor. I know you have guts. You’re a writer for goodness sakes. Trust your instincts. Shut down that inner critiquer and get down to business!

The FIP is depicted solely on your writing style. It’s based on what tools you use in order to get in the mood. So tell me, when you write a sex scene what do you require in order to write it? And when you’re in the mood to fake it, what do you do differently?